January 2012
65 posts
8 tags
Matt on the phone with Jimmy, telling him how he's...
Jimmy: Hello?
Matt: Jimmy!
Jimmy: Yes?
Matt: I just want cha to know that I'm bringing sexy back.
Jimmy: How hard you bringing it back?
Matt: I am bringing it back VERY hard, because, apparently, those other boys just don't know how to act.
Jimmy: So now that you've found the sexy, you're going to bring it back to the people?
Matt: Yes. Of course. I'm just gonna straight up donate it. Um, I mean, I'm gonna just delicate it amongst the people and let THEM kinda decide--you know--the rations and the portions to all of the people. I'm finding there is this a severe lack of sexy amongst the nation, really. So I'm donating it to the people. Alright, um thank you for your time and appreciating the fact that I'm bringing sexy to the people.
Jimmy: Any time.
December 2011
51 posts
4 tags
Wallace: What's happening?
Veronica: They're still watching a movie. He has his arm around her.
Wallace: He's not groping her or anything, is he?
Veronia: (sarcastically) No, but earlier I saw hime cutting a hole in the bottom of his popcorn bucket.
Wallace: That's not funny.
Veronica: Yeah, well my dad's not a groper.
3 tags
“Nothing’s ever perfect, you know?”
– Effy Stonem (Kaya Scodelario)
5 tags
Katie: I don't smoke.
Effy: What you scared of?
Katie: Uh, cancer!
6 tags
Effy: Katie?
Katie: What are you doing here?
Freddie: What, you cool?
Effy: Have a drink with us.
Katie: Is that a joke?
Effy: Katie--
Katie: You haven't changed. I can see straight through you.
Effy: Likewise. Never gonna let that smile faulter?
Katie: Only when your's does.
3 tags
Brandy: hi-ya, babes.
Katie: You havin' a rave?
Brandy: Ravin' huh? I'm so angry Mummy told everyone I got knocked up.
Katie: Yeah, I bet.
Brandy: Ooh, I'll have some of that.
(Brandy picks up a bottle of champagne and starts drinking)
Katie: You do know you're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant?
Brandy: Don't care! And you think you can talk to me like that?
Katie: I'll do what I want.
(Danny is blocking the doorway)
Katie: You're in my way; move.
9 tags
“There’s this guy on there named Shane; you should not watch him. (shakes...”
– Shane Dawson
7 tags
EB!!
Lardo: Studies HAVE shown that acts of revenge actually trigger a response in the brain's pleasure zones? Like, um... What you eat, or when you have sex.
Sparky: Woah.
Iris: Really.
Lardo: Yeah.
Iris: And where did you get THIS little tidbit of information?
Lardo: Uhh--
Iris: Oh, maybe it was in the American Journal of 'I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.'
Sparky: (chuckles) OHHHH!
Lardo: (sarcastically) Ha-ha-ha.
12 tags
...EB
Iris: He's at Buffalo Records in Tarzana. He works there... 'Least that's--that's where he worked when we were dating.
Lardo: HA! You dated this guy?
Sparky: Iris... He wears PANTS.
Mooney: Idiot, you have pants ON.
Sparky: That's COMPLETELY different.
8 tags
EB
JD: Okay, so... How are we gonna find this guy?
Lardo: Oh, she said something about that souther and the--the Datsun, yeah?
JD: Yeah. Right, the orange 2-80 Z, huh?
Lardo: Yeah.
...
Sparky: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Lardo: Fuck, here we go again...
Sparky: FUCK!
Lardo: What, Sparky?! What's wrong?
JD: What, Sparky?
Sparky: WHAT? I saw the guy driving an orange 2-80 Z, but I didn't think that anyone would fuckin' steal a board, so I didn't even get a good look at him!
(Lardo slaps Sparky)
Lardo: DUDE! RELAX!
Sparky: WHAT?! (Starts trying to hit Lardo, but they just end up slapping each other) Fuck you! I'm not gonna relax!
JD: Wha--you're just remembering this NOW?
Sparky: (Still attacking Lardo) I'm gonna fucking kill this guy! After I kill you!
JD: (Grabs Sparky) HEY! A souther?
Sparky: Yeah, man! He was driving around in this sleazy fuckin' pick-up-some-pussy valley boy car with...the board hanging out the back, dude. Green and yellow, right?
Lardo: Yeah? Yeah? Well how do you know it was a souther?
Sparky: Dude, he had a fuckin' TYPICAL Ken-doll haircut; total valley-boy faggy-ass shit n'... Fucker had pants. Like, slacks.
JD: Pants?
Lardo: Pants?
JD: ...Uh oh.
5 tags
eeenndddllesss bbbuuummmeerrr
Anne: What? (laughing) What's your problem?
Iris: I just--no, look! I wanna meet some guys who are into the same things I'm into.
Anne: Um, Iris. Boyfriends aren't into poetry, painting, and art... Just have some fun. For me?
(Iris sticks her tongue out at Anne)
Anne: Please?
Iris: Yeah, for YOU. It's easy for you to say, you've got sunshine boy out there.
Anne: Hey, that's not that easy.
Iris: Know what? First chance I get, I'm gettin' out of here; I'm goin' to New York and I'm gonna be an artist. You know, I don't care about being rich or famous, dude. I just wanna work and keep my edge.
Anne: Your edge.
Iris: Yeah. My edge. And when I DO get a boyfriend, he'll be into poetry, painting, and art. You watch.
Anne: Um, newsflash, Iris.
Iris: Hmm?
Anne: Boyfriends who are into all that already have boyfriends of their own. (laughs)
Iris: ...Crap.
9 tags
Endless bummer!!!!
JD: What are we gonna do, man?
Lardo: ...Fuck! This is--this is a symbol for all that's sacred to our way of life!
Iris: So--what? IS something sacred to your way of life?
Lardo: Wake up. A surf board is this most sacred thing to our way of life! It's the--it's um, It's your girlfriend, your car, and your dick! All in one!
Sparky: Guys, he's like a mexican Jesus!
JD: So uh Jesus, what do we do?
Lardo: ...We do what we do whenever we don't know what to do.
4 tags
Endless bummer....
JD's Mom: (Knocking on the door) Johnny Boy? Why is the door closed with a girl inside?
JD: Give me 5 minutes, Mom! I'm having sex!
JD's Mom: Oh, Johnny! Stop that now! Bad boy! What will the neighbors think?! Girl in your room and the door closed!
JD: They'll think I'm gettin' laid!
5 tags
Veronica: So where were we? Right, who framed me.
Rick: They're called the Tritans. It's a secret society at school.
Veronica: Why haven't I heard of them? ...stupid question...keep going.
8 tags
Omg sarah silverman program
*Brian and Steve screaming outside the apartments+
Laura: What is that?
Sarah: Sounds like a gigantic rinocerous getting raped by a walrus... No, getting raped WITH a walrus. Yeah.
5 tags
Jenna Marbles and the "sexual" badlands
Jenna: Hey Max, I'm thinking of something...what is it?
Max: It's the sun?
Jenna: No.
Max: Water?
Jenna: No.
Max: Me?
Jenna: No.
Max: I dunno.
Jenna: It's the Badlands. It's 101 motha fuckin' degrees right now...It'ssss hot. So hot right now! AHHHHH! And there's rattle snakes. Fuck. If I get eaten by a rattle snake, this trip is OVER.
6 tags
Jenna Marbles in the "sexual" badlands
Jenna: Max, you wanna play 20 questions?
Max: Yep.
Jenna: Alright, I got one.
Max: Okay. Is it a person?
Jenna: No.
Max: Is it a place?
Jenna: Yes.
Max: Is it the Badlands?
Jenna: Yeah!!!!
4 tags
Interviewer: Got it. Who's up next? I think it's uh, Tom.
Interviewer 2: Tom? Where are ya?
Tom: Hi! Hello?
Mark: (pointing at Tom) Loser, loser, loser, loser. Loser!
Tom: Who are you? Who's this dude?
Interviewer: Uh, that's your band mate. His name's Mark. Uh--
Tom: Oh. Can I have a new one?
Interviewer: He plays bass...
6 tags
Tom making fun of Travis's tattoos
Tom: Um, we've been well quite long getting together, long together quite. He's got alotta tattoos. If you turn around, you can catch the tattoos right now.
(camera guy turns)
Tom: Other way--there you go. Well, uh, that one back there, this one says 'Hope,' 'I hope I can get laid by a guy.' Uh, the one in the front, 'Can I say I'm gay.' Basically, can I say I'm gay. Uh, on the--on the like, like if you look on his ghetto blaster, that ghetto blaster is always playing, uh, homosexual music on it like Moura C. Erasher. Um, the bird on his right arm that you see on the left there, that bird symbolizes a man swooshing through the clouds, coming down and sleeping with him. Um, and um--I dunno, it's just--it's weird. I don't know why I'm in this band; I'm the only one that likes girls, I'm the only one that believes that guys and girls should be together and that babies should be made to the penis and vagina way. The old way! These guys are trying to create some weird, uh, wacky--maybe the penis and the butt will get a kid, I don't know! I don't think that works, you know?
(Mark walks in when Tom says 'weird, uh, wacky--maybe the penis and the butt will get a kid, I don't know! I don't think that works, you know?')
Mark: What.?
Tom: Just, no dude. Don't come in here and try to act like you're like heterosexual, you know. (laughs)
4 tags
“Fuck shit fuck fuck fuck cock fuck shit.”
– Tom DeLonge
3 tags
“Hi, my name’s Mark, and I am the bassist and one of the vocalists in the band...”
– Mark Hoppus
Tom DeLonge: The way that Travis drums is exactly the way that he fucks.
Mark Hoppus: That seems like it would hurt.
7 tags
Jenna: Say hi to Danny.
Danny: Hi.
Jenna: That was a weak hi!
Danny: HI!!!!!!
Jenna: Danny took us to this waterfall. It's a secret, right?
Danny: Yeah.
Jenna: OH MY GOD I'M FUCKING NERVOUS!
Danny: If you look, you're not gonna jump.
Jenna: Yeah I am!
Danny: Just go.
Jenna: What should I say when I jump off?
Max: Calabunga.
Jenna: BUTTSEX! (jumps)
4 tags
“Jewelry was invented in the early 1990s to tell men, ‘I wanna fuck...”
– Jenna Marbles
5 tags
“And I feel like if there was some way to have like an extra tab on Facebook, or...”
– Jenna Marbles
